My First Father's Day Without Mine

News Type: Opinion — Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:04 AM EDT

This is my first father's day without my father. He passed away in May at the age of 85. I still don't believe he is gone. My father was a unique man. He filled me with great lessons on love, family, and anything you can imagine. Just a brief perspective. My father grew up during the depression. He also told me that his father would physically abuse him, so he left home at 12. Stealing milk (back in the day when the milkman left it on your porch) and eating raw tomatoes and onions out of gardens. Several years later he married black woman and was placed in a mental institution. He was given 2 options remain in the mental institution or join the marines. He joined the marines and fought in WWII. He never talked much about his life in between getting out of the marines and my birth. But I do have a step-sister, and he talked of 3 other wives. He met my mother(who is black) in NY driving to work and she was waiting for bus. How a 50 year old white man picks up a 30 year old black woman in the 1960's is beyond me. But he did and I'm here. My mom had 2 children before her relationship with my father. So we were sort of the Mixed Brady Bunch. So here are the lessons from my father, simplistic but they got me through life:

1. Never hit your children:

In all my years, my father never put his hands on me or my siblings. He didn't believe "spare the rod, spoil the child". He never criticized, it was always to be better.

2. You are Colored, I Love You:

This was the term used during his day. He was always progressive but telling me this at the age of 4 changed my world. He knew that no matter what, people would find me different and prejudices and hate are alive in America. I would be treated like a black man in America. People fear what they don't understand. That stark realization came to me soon after. Doing as 5 year olds do, I wanted to play with another 5 year old (who happened to be a white girl) in a grocery store, her father came over "Get away from her, you little N$@$ bastard" at the top of his lungs. He was yelling at a child, 5 years old. Never a tear. I understood.

3. Take care of your family:

He sacrificed everything for us. Worked at a job he hated to take us on vacations. He made us feel special without gifts. Always making sure our self esteem was good and our egos in check.

4. Be Responsible:

I never remember him calling in sick once. 25 years at the post office walking routes. Rain, sleet, and snow……I once was 3 minutes late coming from a party and got grounded. I'm never late for work……

5. You are not entitled to recognition:

It is nice but you will do many things in life that will go unnoticed. Do good anyway.

6. If you have step children, their (pun intented) your kids:

My father called us his kids. He never allowed us to call each other half or step. We were brothers and sisters. His sons and daughters. Of course when my older sister and brother on my mom's side first met him they didn't call him dad. They called him L. R. (his initials). I grew up calling him L. R. I knew he was my dad but he didn't allow me to be different. Having my own son. I love being called dad. My father sacrificed that so I would be closer to my brother and sister. It worked. He always sacrificed for others.

7. Do for others:

My sixth birthday. Brand new bike. Just home from the bike shop. Who rides it? The kids next door. Selfishness would not be tolerated. Give to those less fortunate.

8. Treat women with respect:

You open doors, get up when a woman enters the room, pull the chair out..etc…etc.. My sisters grew up around men who had that old school etiquette…They always talk about it. No matter how mad the boys were with them they got respect. My mom was the envy of the block. I never appreciated this until I was older. My wife always hears "He still does that after being married?"…..She would say "Visit his dad and you will know why"

9. Education is the Key:

Do your best in school. My father only had a six grade education but he was the smartest man in the world. Give him a number and percentage and he had the answer in a second. He always read the paper and kept abreast of current events. Always encouraged higher learning. He was so proud when I told him, I worked part time as college instructor. 10. Move on, enjoy life: My father was in so much pain before he passed away. I lived about 400 miles away but made frequent visits especially when he became ill. He didn't want to be a burden on me or my family and went into hospice. He told the doctors he just wanted to die. Part pain but again his sacrifice. All the burden I put on him through the years, he didn't want to burden me. He sacrificed himself. I would gladly accept that burden today. A week after he passed, someone trying to sell something to my mother asked her if she was married. She said No. I was hurt at first but this is what my father wanted. She knew that.

This was just the ones that came to mind on this Father's Day. There are many more that I would like to put down but can't right now. This article does not begin to really describe what a great man he was, I don't have the ability to do it. But I hope everyone understands.

I miss and love you L.R. Happy Father's Day.

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{"commentId":166451,"authorDomain":"ejronin"}

Shawn Gordon

Reading this puts in perspective that I too will have to one day have a Fathers Day without mine. I've tried to prepare myself for that day, and I know that no amount of thought and self preparation will suffice.

Your father sounds like an amazing individual. Open, caring and honest. You are very fortunate to have a role model and father such as that. I said "have' on purpose. I see this as a person that still lives on within who you are today, and I'm sure that you'll pass some of that on to your children.

{"commentId":166451,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"ejronin"}

6 votes

#1 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:30 AM EDT

{"commentId":166455,"authorDomain":"allpurpose"}

Chello

Thank you.

{"commentId":166455,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"allpurpose"}

3 votes

#1.1 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:34 AM EDT

{"commentId":166509,"authorDomain":"chezsmithy"}

Shawn J Smith

I too lost my Dad last year in the fall. Tomorrow is the first time in my life I will be without my dad on father's day. Like your dad I love my father, he taught me so very much in my life. Now that I am a father I can only begin to appreciate all of those lessons...

{"commentId":166509,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"chezsmithy"}

6 votes

#2 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 1:36 AM EDT

{"commentId":166833,"authorDomain":"kopolee11"}

kopolee11

This will also be my first father's day without my father. He taught me more in 15 years, then anyone else ever will. My father was a fighter, At 23 he came to America with no English, and little money. He constantly worked two or three jobs, and was the most active guy ever. He eventually got his Masters, and PhD.

But to me, he was always the loving and caring father. He was never ashamed to show his love to me, whether I was 2 or 14. He taught me all I know about the world: the difference between right and wrong, treating women respectfully, having a good education, and most importantly taking care of your family.

He was still like this even when he was diagnosed with cancer. He helped bring his entire family (8 brothers and sisters plus their kids) into America, dealing with all the paperwork, helping them find job. He did all this while taking chemotherapy, surgery, and dealing with his own family. Although he was not the eldest child in his family, he was the leader, the provider for the entire family. He showed me family bonds through example.

He was also the smartest man I've ever met. Although a scientist, he was also interested in politics. I believe he would have loved this website, as he loved being informed about the world. He had a way of debating that was quite amazing, and he had an insight that was Nostradamus in quality. And I always valued his opinion over anyone else.

My father passed on March 5, 2006 at the age of 52. In those 52 years he accomplished more then any man I have ever met. As a man, he was heroic and I can only hope I'm half the man he was. But he was a marvelous father, who did everything any father could possibly do. Those last days talking to him on his deathbed about his life and our love, and him telling me simple wisdom about life... those moments will always be sacred to me. I just hope I can be half the father he was.

Chello, I'm extremely sorry about your loss. I can tell that your father was an amazing man also. I can also tell that your relationship with your father was real, based on genuine love, and that is truly wonderful. I didn't mean to upstage your tribute to your father, L.R. Instead I wanted to make this a tribute to all father's, living and gone, so we can all appreciate the man that made a difference in our life.

{"commentId":166833,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"kopolee11"}

3 votes

#3 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 10:45 AM EDT

{"commentId":166847,"authorDomain":"allpurpose"}

Chello

Kopolee,
My father also passed away May 5, 2006. Thank you for your post. Sorry about your dad also. You didnt upstage my tribute, it was very appropriate and it helps to know others feel like I do. It was a great tribute and what the vine is about.

{"commentId":166847,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"allpurpose"}

2 votes

#3.1 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:00 AM EDT

{"commentId":166894,"authorDomain":"mike3k"}

mike3k

This is my 15th Father's day without my dad. His birthday & my parent's anniversary was also in June, so I went from 3 celebrations to none. This year was also my first Mother's day without my mom, which makes it especially difficult.

{"commentId":166894,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"mike3k"}

3 votes

#4 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:28 AM EDT

{"commentId":167117,"authorDomain":"nwm"}

ninewhereman

Only words to describe that is, moving. Great article.

{"commentId":167117,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"nwm"}

3 votes

#5 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 2:16 PM EDT

{"commentId":167143,"authorDomain":"noah"}

Noah BradleyDeleted

{"commentId":167215,"authorDomain":"sasha"}

Sasha

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. It is a great read and tribute.

2. You are Colored, I Love You:

This stood out the most to me personally. My father is white and my mother is black and I always so appreciated how my father addressed race issues with me. Like your dad, he prepared me for the road ahead at a very early age. He showed me how I had the unique opportunity to enjoy the best of two worlds. Thank you again for helping me recall this and many other memories from over the years.

{"commentId":167215,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"sasha"}

4 votes

#7 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 4:17 PM EDT

{"commentId":167220,"authorDomain":"allpurpose"}

Chello

Thank you for your post. I love to hear stories about other bi-racial people learned and loved the best of both worlds.

{"commentId":167220,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"allpurpose"}

4 votes

#7.1 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 4:22 PM EDT

{"commentId":167269,"authorDomain":"avlen"}

AVLEN

Dear Chello,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I had a knot in my throat reading it. Bless you and your family.

I am still lucky to have my dad. I am thirty years old; have a house, a husband and a 7yr old daughter, but when I'm around my dad, he still makes me feel like his little girl. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him.

My dad has a 6th grade education too and is also the smartest man I know! Thank you for reminding me of all he's given to me. Of all he's taught me.

Thank you.

{"commentId":167269,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"avlen"}

6 votes

#8 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 5:15 PM EDT

{"commentId":167322,"authorDomain":"benno"}

Benno Hansen

Great read. Sounds like your dad was a super hero to you.

My father dropped dead in front of me 10 years ago. I don't know how many Father's Days that is because I don't know the date. To me that stuff is just flower shop advertisement. Of course I think of him on certain occasions but reading your list of his deeds kind of makes me think twice. My dad was the direct opposite to about half of your points I think.

Or was he? No one is perfect and everyone constructs their views from what parts of the picture they see. Most get wiser. He lives inside of me. I recognize him some times. Even some of those things I think I didn't like about him I get to see myself do over again.

I don't know where I'm going here. But what about the flaws of your father? It may be too early for you to evaluate it in this perspective and it may just be me who's a cynic but "cleaning up history" doesn't make sense to me.

Reminds me I gotta do some exercise to keep that heart pumping. Thanks for your article once again.

{"commentId":167322,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"benno"}

3 votes

#9 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 6:12 PM EDT

{"commentId":167377,"authorDomain":"PamelaDrew"}

Pamela Drew

He sounds like a wonderful man. It is always terribly sad to lose something precious but you are lucky to have grown up enough to know him as an adult. Your touching tribute is a clear sign that the best of his spirit will stay with you. It is a rare gift that very many never have, so cherish it and know he is watching over you and smiling with pride on his Father's Day.

{"commentId":167377,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"PamelaDrew"}

3 votes

#10 - Sun Jun 18, 2006 7:12 PM EDT

{"commentId":171619,"authorDomain":"Aunk"}

Aunk (The Cultural Health Guy)

Hetep and Respect Good Spirit

Thank you for sharing. L.R. was remarkably Culturally Healthy for his day. He remains with you and all of us as a shining honored ancestor.

hetepw

{"commentId":171619,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"Aunk"}

2 votes

#11 - Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:46 AM EDT

{"commentId":602462,"authorDomain":"200MilesUp"}

Oluseye

I'm speechless. Your dad must have been a great guy. From what I've read from you, you'd probably have the same effect on your kids.

{"commentId":602462,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"200MilesUp"}

4 votes

#12 - Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:36 PM EDT

{"commentId":604095,"authorDomain":"dawgfan"}

lhornung

This year will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. She died suddenly on May 15, 2006, the day after Mother's Day. It will be rough. I don't know what I will do when my dad goes.

{"commentId":604095,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"dawgfan"}

2 votes

#13 - Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:38 PM EDT

{"commentId":608072,"authorDomain":"sbutki"}

Scott (Scoop) Butki

This is very moving. Thank you for sharing it with us.

{"commentId":608072,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"sbutki"}

#14 - Mon Mar 26, 2007 6:20 PM EDT

{"commentId":610727,"authorDomain":"jimmyhavok"}

JimmyHavok

I want to thank your father for giving us a good man named Chello. I'm sure he's proud.

{"commentId":610727,"threadId":"20498","contentId":"258881","authorDomain":"jimmyhavok"}

#15 - Wed Mar 28, 2007 3:11 AM EDT

{"canLink":false,"threadId":"20498","isPrivate":false}

CHELLO

Backyard

My First Father's Day Without Mine

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